“My mother is an incredible woman and she is a tricky woman” I heard that phrase on a podcast once and it stayed with me. The relationship we have or don’t have with our mothers and with motherhood, is in my experience, usually complicated and multi-layered.
Mother’s Day is on 10th March and I’ve recently received emails from companies and individuals whose email list I have subscribed to, asking me if I want to opt out of Mother’s Day communication. I think it’s pretty compassionate actually to give folks that option. But I’m afraid this is not an option as you wander down the supermarket aisles, shop windows and in restaurants advertising a special Mother’s Day lunch. If it’s a day you find difficult, then it may feel like it’s in your face everywhere you look.
It’s a funny old event, complicated at best it seems. Some mothers are no longer with us, some never were, even as they stood in front of us, some of us have strained relationships with our Mothers, others tolerate, but it rarely seems to be what we would have wished for. I have known someone who chose not to find their birth mother for fear of being disloyal to their adoptive mum. Another who never had the chance to know their mother. Others who grieved her thought she was right there.
We are in the company of women who would give their all to be mothers and women who do everything not to be. And those who leave it to chance. There is no wrong or right, no template or blue print for how a mother type relationship might pan out. It seems however, it is never perfect and pretty much always complex.
I assume my readers are all adults, and so the responsiblity for ourselves, no longer lies with our parents, or perhaps you never even felt like it did or could. We cannot rely on our parent(s) or parental figures, to “fix” us and often the time for them to show up and be “better” has long since passed. It’s easy to blame mothers for what they did not and/or could not give. And a lifetime of bitterness and blame can engulf you if you stay embedded in that place.
“My heart sags, an empty hammock
yawning for the cradle of her arms,
the animal comfort of her wolf-fur
coat. I hear her pottering in my kitchen,
tidying. I turn out the light, night
cracks its knuckles.”
from Guest Room by Victoria Kennifick
The responsibility now lies with each of us as adults, to parent ourselves. But if that sounds unfair, perhaps it could also sound empowering? We each have the power to begin to heal our childhood wounds and the trauma we carry. Inner child work as it is known, can help us to parent our younger selves within, the part of us that is perhaps still waiting for parental love, support and validation. Unless we do this work, our experiences and perceptions will continue to colour our lives - often causing us to attract, replay and relive the same scenarios unconsciously that were familiar to us from our younger years. For more about these patterns - check out Bowlby & Ainsworth’s work on Attachment Theory, it’s fascinating and offers a model for growth and healing.
You have the opportunity to become your own parent now, the parent you want and need, to learn how to take care of you, so that you can become the best version of yourself. Firstly, acknowledge and welcome your inner child, listen to them/him/her and connect to them to understand your own inner most feelings and needs. Our inner child in their natural state is loving, playful, joyous, curious and open. Qualities we recognise in kids but seem to leave behind as we grow older. Connecting to your inner child is often emotional and painful work, it is best done with the support of a qualified and experienced therapist or counsellor.
For me, embarking on this work through therapy, has offered a way of understanding myself, my behaviours, reactions and way of being in relationship to others. I understand (for the most part!) why I am the way I am, how I have become who I am, how to soothe and support myself and how to change my thoughts, feelings and behaviours to those that feel more like me, mature and more aligned to the person I wish to be and the life I want to live.
Another school of thought is the Jungian way of thinking - that we have many fragmented parts to the self. To find inner peace within, we need to become "whole" again, we need to integrate all our fragmented personalities into our sense of wholeness and this begins only when we accept the shadow side of your personality as also being us. If we ignore our inner child, we often end up acting out when we feel under pressure, threatened or challenged, perhaps leading us to think, feel, say and do things we wish we had not later on. Keeping us in a cycle of unhappiness and regret.
For inner child work, talk therapy is amazing, but before I sat in the chair opposite a wise woman who helped me change my life, I subconsciously leaned into Yoga as a way of healing. As a way of tapping into expression through movement, breath and physical connection. It got me out of my head and encouraged me to connect to all parts of myself, to know and be myself, and take up space. Practicing Yoga we have choices - in how we explore, nourish and soothe ourselves. To learn and honour, what does and does not feel good in our bodies and how to regulate our nervous system through breath, movement, mindfulness and meditation. We can also build connections with others at a level that is light and often comfortable or accessible if we wish to do so.
Tuning into my own needs doesn’t always come naturally to me, I have a tendancy to set very high standards and expectations for myself, quick to criticise myself and dwell on where I “fell short”. I understand why I do this but don’t always catch it in the moment or know what to do about it. This weekend, as I wrote this, I was feeling very tired, quite low and needed stillness. My brain hissed that my to-do list needed attention, study needed tackling, laundry, prep for classes, the garden’s a mess etc etc.
Sighing, I rolled out my mat to prep a class to start on the list. Bruce my big gentle giant of a dog ambled over and stetched out on my yoga mat, I lay down beside him and scratched his tummy. I was reminded of last April, when he and travelled to Cornwall to hike some of the South West Coast Path and how he was lame several days into it. He’s a big baby of a dog, my baby, so we rested, I treated him anti-inflammatories, took him to the sea for a dip in the sea, let him sleep and gave him treats and belly rubs. Without question I knew how to care for him. It was instinctual.
Yet not always so for myself, yet. So I pondered, if Bruce felt like I do now, what would I do for him? And so I stayed home for the weekend, no big adventures, no pushing, I did the minimum amount of work I had to do, I cooked healthy nourishing food, listened to Ella Fitzgerald as I changed my bed sheets and slept alot. I switched off my phone for a day and a half. I took some homeopathic remedies to help with stress, drank herbal tea and read a book. I declined an invitation and walked in the quiet, damp woods instead. Wrapped in a soft blanket, I gazed at the twinkling stars and my eyes followed the silhouhette lines of the pine trees, soft against the twilight sky. I kept the fire lit all day and most of the night. I spent time day dreaming with my inky fountain pen hovering over a blank page in a fresh notebook. I took care of myself in a way that was not always shown nor demonstrated for me, but in a way that I have learned and taken responsibility for.
Mother’s Day might be a happy day for you and if so, that’s great! Or if you turned away from the hallmarkyness of it all, know you’re not alone. Nothing is perfect, and mostly life is a mixture, of duality, of holding often this and that. Tomorrow’s a fresh start for you. In the beautiful, caring words for Carrie Crowley from An Cailín Ciúin “all you needed was a bit of minding” - it’s never too late to give that and do that for yourself. You have the rest of your life ahead of you.
