Mine-time, that’s what he called it. My friend’s 4 year old nephew often left a game or conversation and quietly went to his room or sat on the sofa to read a book. The first time I noticed, we were all playing a game when he wandered away, I asked if he was okay and if he wanted to come back and join us again. He said he was fine, and shyly said he was having “mine-time”. His Mum explained, this is his time to recalibrate and balance his energy, it’s something he came up with himself. I was in awe! A four year old who knew how to self-regulate, my hero!

Do you take “mine-time”? Can you support yourself to step back when you need to and find the words to express that? For much of my life, I could not.

Hiding in the bathroom

Have you ever locked the bathroom door and hid in there, just for a minute’s peace? Or stepped outside and pretended to be on the phone because it all felt too much in that moment? Said you couldn’t hear them, hung up and switched your phone off and flung your phone into your bag or away from you because you couldn’t hear or speak one more word? Made up a meeting or work thing you had to stay late for just so you could sit in your car for a while by yourself? Feigned illness to avoid an invitation or mastered the Irish goodbye (vanished from a party without saying goodnight!) disappearing into the night? We’ve all been there! We’ve all felt the urge to get away, to escape and be alone for a while, craving quiet.

Banish the Guilt

And here’s the thing - you are allowed to leave the party early, to decline that invitation, you can say no, without creating white lies, fibs, or tall tales. No thank you, is a complete sentence. It’s okay to need to escape, to want time on your own. It’s normal to need this and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Yet carving out alone time often seems to be lumbered with guilt, feeling bad and worries about being perceived as selfish, no craic or unsocial. I hear this so often from the women I work with in my women’s wellbeing programme called Seasonal Soul. That so many of us crave doing thing for ourselves, without the saddled up guilt we feel. You are not the only one who feels this way.

Christmas overwhelm

Christmas can feel like a pressure cooker - alot of people, social engagements, so much to do, responsibilities we pile upon ourselves and expectations loaded on from all sides. Relatives we’ve not seen in years descend, friends congregate, neighbours knock in. There’s noisy toys, occassional arguements, radios crackling, glasses clinking, the oven bellows out heat, rich, heavy food stacks up, perhaps debt and financial worries too. It’s alot. And as much as I love Christmas, I find it pretty overwhelming despite my best efforts to engineer calm.

Peopled Out

For years I overstayed at events, gatherings and parties because I was too afraid of seeming rude or odd that I wanted to leave. But I was simply, to use a phrase I heard once, “peopled out”. Whilst I love being around others and often feel energised by interactions, I also get worn out from chatting, engagement, noise and alot of different simultaneous conversations. Frequently 2-3 hours into a gathering, I’ll feel myself needing to withdraw for a few minutes, to head off outside into the cool, fresh air or to the slide the lock on a bathroom door and lean against it, eye closed for some quiet time. Or I’ll find myself staring towards my phone, hand twitching to unlock and lose myself in something thats lighting up the screen, just so I can check out for a few minutes. When I disregard this craving, I fade in and out of conversation, not really following along, I begin to look around me, my mind wanders, fidgeting commences, my brain scans for reasons to leave. Not for single second is this any reflection on the company I am keeping or what is happening around me, I’ve just run out of steam for a bit.

I didn’t always know this about myself, in my 20s and 30s, I was often completely exhausted - socialising, back to back meetings, work events and then I pushed myself to go out at weekends, do lots of activities and catch up with more friends.

An ADHD Brain

In more recent years, the partying ceased, my holidays became more restful and I began to realise that after “peopling” I need quiet time. In October this year, I learned that I have an ADHD brain. This news has gone a long way to helping me understand overstimulation and my dopamine highs and lows. It has helped me find the words to explain, both to myself and others, why I need to check out for a while at events or get-togethers, why I may need to leave for a bit and come back, or why I like to have time at home by myself, no radio, no tv, just silence.

Whether I have ADHD or not, doesn’t change the fact that actually it’s more than okay for me (and you!) to need a time-out, it’s absolutely okay to slip away for a while to rebalance your energy, to seek out your “mine-time”.

Top Tips to Self-Regulate

Here are some of the ways I balance my energy during busy times and social events

1. Leave clear spaces in my diary after periods of busyness and meeting lots of people

2. Schedule a week off from teaching classes every 6-8 weeks so I can have down-time for myself

3. My dogs provide me with a great reason to leave gatherings, I often go walk them and return feeling refreshed and grounded

4. I have a work phone! Switched off at weekends and during holidays helps me uphold my boundaries. We don’t always need to be available

5. Out of Office replies help my lovely customers find information faster by directing them to my website, rather than me needing to reply to the most popular queries

6. I just say it! This week I declined an invite to meet a friend in the evening as I had lots to do and several other catch ups lined up, I said, I’ve a really busy week, I’m keeping that evening free to be at home to chill out, so how about this other date instead?

7. Drive to events rather than taking lifts, so I can head away when I feel the need - also I live reasonably remotely so there’s a very practical reason there too

8. I try not to plan too many classes and events all together, to space them out instead, and avoid taking on additional work during times when my energy can be low (not always possible to do, but I try)

9. Time in nature - in my humble opinion being outdoors in the elements is single handedly the best medicine for all ailments, including feeling overwhelmed, peopled out and exhausted. For me it’s walking dogs, sitting in the forest listening to the birds, surfing

10. Maintain a wellbeing routine - a daily morning walk, regular journaling and meditation or I’m all discombobulated!

I’d love to hear your tips and ideas on how you rebalance your energy and find quiet time, especially during the busy festive season. Let me know in the comments below!

Thanks for reading,

Maeve x